I guess I’m an idiot for thinking that I could. I have a track record of failure that I can’t forget.
My dad got on my case — drove me to tears– last night, because my GPA (a B, by ISU’s scale, mind you) wasn’t high enough for him. Even though it was high enough to keep my scholarship, it wasn’t enough for him.
I think what irritates me even more is the fact that my dad barely, if at all, acknowledges my struggles with cutting, self harm, and depression. Even though he was the one that drove all the way out to Iowa and picked me up when I was suicidal enough to scare my counselor, even though he complains about paying for my medication, he won’t talk about it. He didn’t when my family first found out that I was a cutter, when I started therapy, when I was put on Zoloft and then of Effexor… Ever.
You know what I did last night, after he’d finished picking apart my academic status? I went up to my room and ripped another line in my arm, deeper than I meant to. Not dangerous, but bloody. Even with that twisted coping method and crying with Orion, I couldn’t fall asleep for hours. My brain still can’t get around how my own father could ignore something like this — something that has almost cost me my life in the past.
Oh, and guess what I found out?! 15% of the clinically depressed will commit suicide.
Will I be part of that statistic?
Either answer, yes or no, scares me. If the answer is yes, and I do end up killing myself, I violate so many of the ideals and morals that I base my life upon, I let down everyone I know, and I can’t take that decision back. If the answer is no, does that mean I won’t try to kill myself again? How am I going to fight this dysthymia and these self-injuring impulses for the rest of my life?
I don’t think I can do it.
… I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do otherwise, though. I don’t know much of anything anymore.
Oh Honey, you need to take a step back, take a deep breath, then you need to talk to your dad. Maybe the reason he won’t talk to you is because he doesn’t know how to. Maybe he is as afraid of what may happen with you as you are. Sometimes we parents can become afraid of hurting our kids more then they are already hurting so we hold stuff in thinking it is better that way. And somehow you gotta get a handle on this cutting thing. It isn’t safe, it isn’t healthy and it obviously isn’t something you WANT to be doing. When you feel that urge distract yourself with something else….call someone, write, throw pillows, or punch a pillow, go outside and scream…anything besides hurting yourself. But please talk to your dad. He loves you or he wouldn’t have been there for all that stuff with you!
please,please stop cutting,talk to your dad,tell him how you feel and why you cut yourself,some people know/see whats happening but can,t acknowledge/deal with it-you knowif i don,t face it,it isn,t happening.i have loved someone who did this regulary,in secret,but then would either panic and call me or would hint he had done it and then not let me in.i was horrified when i became aware of this and very angry when he put me in the “rescue”plan,a huge burden on me and my children.6 yrs on,he cannot work,cannot hug his kids etc the damage over the years has rendered his arms useless,he soon realised he needed help when the reason for cutting was still there after the deed,you know all this its obvious your dad loves you very much,he probably feels he has failed you and himself & simply doesn.t know how to help.we all fail,no one has a perfect life,i constantly fail and at the moment still are!take care