Before I started this post, I sat at my computer, staring at the screen with tears in my eyes for a good five minutes before I started typing — I’m so frustrated and confused, I can barely concentrate or think straight.
Since I got back to school, I’ve been slipping back towards major depression, and I think it would be accurate to say that I’ve landed there. I’ve been floundering around in a chasm full of mud and dark voices and fear and biting addiction. Most days, today included, I can manage to kick my way to the surface to interact with other people for a few hours. I went to dinner with Corinne and Cole and we all saw Jess and everyone was laughing and having a good time. Less than an hour after I returned to my room, the clouds descended, and now I can’t see a way out. Last Thursday, I was such a mess, that I skipped my English class — the first and only class I’ve ever skipped in my entire educational career.
I don’t know how much of this is Major Depression and how much is Borderline Personality Disorder, but I can’t seem to run away from any of it. My thoughts are saturated with a kind of darkness that makes me feel so far away from God, so broken, so completely worthless, that it physically hurts.
I can’t see anything good about this, I don’t know how God plans to use this for good. My heart is such a huge, bloody, twisted mess, that I don’t feel like anyone will ever be able to put it back together again. Only a portion of that brokenness is reflected on my arms, in the scars and scratches.
I can only hide this for so long. I’m scared that the longer I wait, the better the chances that I’ll end up in the hospital after a ride in an ambulance, instead of walking in on my own two feet and asking for help, like I’ve been thinking about. Thing is, I don’t think my family’s insurance will cover the bills I might rack up. Part of me wants to go in and throw myself at the mercy of the medical staff, leaving all the decisions and first aid to them. The other part of me wants to stay hidden in my room, caring for myself, not letting on that I’m in such pain.
Most of me wants to sew my mouth shut and tape my fingers together so I don’t write like this and feel like I’m complaining so much. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t feel like I know much of anything, actually.
Have you seen a doctor? Are you on medication? Youre not alone.
It always sounds trite but I really do understand what you are going through right now. Using every ounce of strength you have to go out and try to have a good time with your friends and then crash horribly once you get home. It’s nearly impossible to imagine ever feeling anything else when you’re living under a cloud. K is right though, you are not alone.
Have you considered looking for a free therapy centre in your area? Most places do have them and counselling can be a fantastic way to deal with the depression itself and get you to the place were you can ask for medical help yourself.
“What do I do Now?” That’s an excellent question. I ask myself that same question all the time. I suffer from depression too – dysthymia to be exact. Someone once described depression to me as “modern day leprosy”. So, from one “leper” to another, if you’re looking for a safe, confidential, FREE place to get help, I highly recommend attending a Celebrate Recovery group in your area: http://www.celebraterecovery.com/. My depression is still very severe, but attending this group at least gives me a safe place where I can be my depressed self and not feel judged. If you’ve never attended a support group before, I’ll give you fair warning that you’ll probably think it’s really weird and it’s not for you, but if you don’t know what else to do, this might not be a bad place to start.
By the way, I appreciate your raw honesty. It’s refreshing. Hurting people are probably the most honest people out there. Thank you.