Again, I have no idea where I’m going with this, so I might as well just start rambling. It’s been a pretty good weekend: almost exclusively lovely, in fact. I spent a bit more than I day driving to Iowa with my (non-biological) big Brother Ryan, helping him move stuff into storage in his new apartment complex, and driving back home. I didn’t realize how much I missed being at ISU, being in Ames in general, until we drove in, and I saw my home away from home for the first time since the end of May. The trip went well: we found the places we needed to, packed up what we needed to, and even managed to get a little sleep in an apartment full of college guys and one little Bunmi. Awkward, yes, a bit, but I’m learning to just roll with it. My house has been loud and somewhat angry as of late, and I’d take being the solitary female sleeping on the couch over being the one who has to listen to her family argue and not be able to do anything about it any day. The 11.5 hours of driving was also good for thinking, catching up, and deciding which clouds looked like which animals, even at 19 and 21 years old.
I dunno if you still read this, Ryan, but thank you for inviting me. : )
A few hours after getting back from Iowa, I was on my way to church for a wedding, which was beautiful, and a joy to watch. Congratulations to Jonathan and Caitlin!!
This past week, I’ve been doing lots of thinking too, which has had its ups and downs. Last Sunday during Bible study, the college group from my church talked about our identity in Christ, and how our fears/mis-beliefs have a tendency to warp our view of said identity. We went through a list of truths about who we are, based on what God tells us in the Bible, and went on to talk some about the nature of those truths: God’s truth is true, even if we don’t believe it, even if we don’t see it.
As encouraging as it should have been, the list of truths we looked through were some of the most difficult things I’ve come up against in a long time. In a few hours, with that list of a handful of phrases, a huge chunk of the fears and issues I’ve struggled with since my battle with self-injury began all rushed into the front of my mind, and a familiar conflict arose. Head knowledge vs. heart feeling. I know what the Bible says, I’ve been taught about how God loves and changes His own, I claim to be a Christian and cling to His promises. But, especially with realities like my own depression, anxiety, self-injury, etc, those things don’t feel like truth.
The Bible says God knows me, has chosen me, and calls me His beloved — but I know me (granted, not as well as God), and I can’t stand me. I could talk at you for hours about how terrible of a person I am, how often I screw up, how I’m good at acting like someone I’m not, and how I’m really not worthy of being loved at all.
The Bible says that, in Christ, I am a new creation — but why is this new creation covered in old scars? I claim to live by faith, but why do I make so many choices contrary to the mindset I should have received when I was made new? Why do I fall back into old habits, old sins, old addictions, so often, and so heavily?
The Bible says that, someday, Jesus will come back and take His followers to Heaven — but why would Jesus want anything to do with me? How can a love exist that sees past hundreds of razor blade scars, scratches, bruises, past a mind riddled with regret and despair, a mind lacking self-esteem and self-worth?
How does any of that make any sense at all?
This has been, is, and will be my dilemma for quite a while, I’m afraid. I want, so deeply, to throw myself into Christ’s arms and be wholly devoted to Him, living a life of childlike, obsessive faith. But at the same time, I want to hold on to cutting, to the negative emotions and behaviors that have gotten me through some of the most difficult crap life has thrown at me.
All this thinking and wondering and questioning and doubting and hoping and praying makes my brain hurt like you would not believe… And as much as my brain hurts, my heart hurts too. I want to believe I can be redeemed, that somehow, people will be able to look past my scars, but the sinful me can’t see how it will ever happen.
*sigh*
It’s bedtime. Good night.
We are a new spiritual creation, clothed temporarily in the flesh of the old body. You will struggle with that flesh as i do, until you are issued an incorruptable body when the Savior returns.
I have read your struggle, you may read mine, as we share with each other we learn and are strengthened. Flesh vs. Spirit. That is our battle. Fight the good fight, don’t expect to always win, but the battle is the Lord’s. It takes a lifetime to learn to give it to Him.