I’m feeling very purposeless today. Work was long, and I didn’t even stay the whole day, I ended up getting sick a few hours before I was scheduled to leave. There were more scoldings, more hand burnings, more crazy lunch/dinner rushes, more stares at the scars on my arms, and endless running around. Things might have ended on a happier note, but movie night plans with Corinne, Ryan, and the Cru gang fell through when I got sick, and my ride made other plans.
I don’t know why I’m so sad, but it’s happening again. Yes, I want to cut, and the wounds healing on my arm itch like crazy. I need to turn off, turn numb, something… Even though I don’t know why it feels like my heart is being tossed around between gloves wrapped in barbed wire, I do know that it hurts terribly.
I know that I’ve been focusing too long on my lack of a normal, happy future, sitting at my desk, and crying to myself for almost two hours now. The dialogue in my head keeps reminding me that happily-ever-after will never be for me, that my scars and my past and my fears and mistakes condemn me to live alone, held at arms length. The pills, the long sleeves, the odd fears and mannerisms will all stand as evidence of my complete brokenness for as long as I live.
I want to scream, I need to bleed, smash something, break myself, induce physical pain that’s easier to deal with than my emotions.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
I need a hug, but I’m in such bad shape, I can’t ask for one.
I’m so sick of this…
