Day 7

One week ago today, something inside snapped. I’ve tried to articulate what’s going on in my head and in my heart, and the best I can come up with is “I’m thinking too hard,” or more accurately, “I don’t know.” I don’t have names for the feelings or the emotions, or even the thought processes. [...]

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My mask is crumbling…

Get up at 6 am, drive Jess to work.
Gotta smile, even though I’m dead tired.

Grab breakfast, drive home and eat. Play several games of Tetris to distract yourself, wonder what today will hold. Pack up books, leave for class. Try to listen to happy music on the way there, shiver in the cold Iowa autumn. [...]

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I can only struggle for so long…

I have no idea what’s wrong with my mind. The past few days, maybe even a week, my moods have been swinging up and down and up and way down, from hour to hour. I can go from laughing with my roommates on my way to class, and come back two hours later with a [...]

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Am I doing better?

I think so.
Last weekend was really difficult, and I cried myself to sleep three nights in a row. I’ve been clean for nine days now, after a very emotional Thursday night, a week and a half ago. During that bad weekend, Ryan convinced me to vent to him, and I ended up leaking that I’d [...]

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It’s been a while…

… and I’m (sorta) happy to report that things have changed a bit since the last time I wrote here. I can’t tell you any specific cause, but sometime last week, something gave me a boost. Thinking back on those few days, I can only smile.
I was on top of the world — I couldn’t [...]

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Here we go again…

Today doesn’t feel like a Tuesday. It’s throwing me off.
I got back from the retreat yesterday afternoon, after a day of adventuring through thigh-deep snow to frozen rivers, laughing, human knots and pyramids, conversations around candles and a burning fireplace, late night movies and Bible studies. On the whole, it was an experience I would [...]

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All these up and downs are making me ill…

The first week of classes has gone pretty well. My arm was healing, I made it to all my classes and bought all my books for less than half of what they cost last semester, I managed to stay warm in spite of the crazy midwestern freezing temperatures, I was keeping on top of what [...]

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Gearing up for a rough Monday…

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, except that I need to kill time to attempt to tire myself out, in the hope that I’ll be able to fall asleep quickly tonight. My insomnia hasn’t gone away, and I’m still sleeping in chunks of three hours or less. I spend far too much time [...]

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Insomnia and I aren’t getting along…

For about a week now, I’ve been having sleeping issues. I haven’t been able to fall asleep in under something like an hour, and if I wake up in the middle of the night  (which I have been known to do quite frequently — I’m a rather light sleeper), it’s for at least half an [...]

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I can’t win, can I?

I guess I’m an idiot for thinking that I could. I have a track record of failure that I can’t forget.
My dad got on my case — drove me to tears– last night, because my GPA (a B, by ISU’s scale, mind you) wasn’t high enough for him. Even though it was high enough to [...]

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