The explanation I owe [Warning: Sensitive Content]

[ The following was posted as a note on my facebook profile on Monday night, sorry I forgot to post a copy here as well. ]
Whether you missed the event, heard the story, were there, or have no idea what’s going on, there’s some stuff that needs to be put out in the open. I’m [...]

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My mask is crumbling…

Get up at 6 am, drive Jess to work.
Gotta smile, even though I’m dead tired.

Grab breakfast, drive home and eat. Play several games of Tetris to distract yourself, wonder what today will hold. Pack up books, leave for class. Try to listen to happy music on the way there, shiver in the cold Iowa autumn. [...]

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I can only struggle for so long…

I have no idea what’s wrong with my mind. The past few days, maybe even a week, my moods have been swinging up and down and up and way down, from hour to hour. I can go from laughing with my roommates on my way to class, and come back two hours later with a [...]

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I’m slipping…

Thanks to a dumb English paper, I got three and a half hours of sleep last night, and I’ve been running around most of today, and yesterday. I’ve had two tests already this week, with another one on Friday, and then a whole weekend on a retreat with Cru, as part of the planning team. [...]

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Am I doing better?

I think so.
Last weekend was really difficult, and I cried myself to sleep three nights in a row. I’ve been clean for nine days now, after a very emotional Thursday night, a week and a half ago. During that bad weekend, Ryan convinced me to vent to him, and I ended up leaking that I’d [...]

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Can’t sleep, so I shall blog.

I should be sleeping, even though I don’t have school tomorrow. But I can’t, I’ve gotten my mind whirring too furiously, and my heart too worked up to even keep my eyes closed for long. This weekend has been a series of catastrophically dramatic ups and downs, from laughing with friends for hours, to working [...]

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I haven’t got a catchy title, I just need to type…

So, I’m almost done with my first week of my second year of college. Things have, with tiny exceptions, been going extremely well. I haven’t gotten lost or missed any classes, I have most of what I need to get through the semester, including a job where I don’t feel totally out of place, even [...]

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*Ramble, ramble, sigh*

I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know how I’m going to get there, and I don’t know how long it will take. So many things are uncertain, and yet things like my own clumsiness, vulnerability, and self-destructive tendencies can always be counted on. Sometimes, I can see myself and my condition through eyes [...]

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It’s been a while…

… and I’m (sorta) happy to report that things have changed a bit since the last time I wrote here. I can’t tell you any specific cause, but sometime last week, something gave me a boost. Thinking back on those few days, I can only smile.
I was on top of the world — I couldn’t [...]

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Emotional mountains and valleys

Today was a nice day. The brutal cold of midwestern winters is fading to a brisk, comfortable temperature, which means less time is spent bundling up before walking outside. Classes didn’t start until 12:40, we got to sight read new music in band, and I ate lunch and dinner with friends that made me laugh. [...]

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